(allfuckingpissandvinegar)

Whats it like to fall in love? I'm not sure that I know.
I must love these cigerettes though. I keep on smoking them one after another. I swore I would quit. Thing is I love smoking like I love drinking; like most people love their children. I love smoking like I would love to love someone beautiful. In a way that I wouldn't quit no matter what people told me I should do. I want to fall in love with someone angry. I want to fall in love with someone who won't take no for an answer, with some one who would hold me up to the light and look inside me at my twisted gut and make some sense of the everything in oblivion. I'm not negative as many would assume. A realist maybe but I take pride in looking for the light inside the dark. We are all holding candels in a subway tunnels. Living in some part underground. We stumble only to drag ourselves to our feet and faulter only in attempt to know and understand ourselves.
I never wanted to be me.
I always wanted to be them but I have found peace in knowing that I am everything. I found solace in the vanity of thinking I could be better, better then myself. Where do you find the strength to move on. Fascinated by tragedy. Obsessed with survival. It means something new in the world. Such a massive nerve center always alive. Coming to you via live internet broadcast with nothing to say but wake up and live. It's good for you I hear. I've been thinking of getting around to trying it one of these days. Technology has given us a body and we give it feeling. Only we are disolute and autistic. Grasping at hope like straws. I want to fall in love with someone who oozes sex appeal, with someone I can't figure out.
What do you do when the only thing that drives you to create is absolute destruction in any sense? What do you do when your muse could someday cripple you. What do you do when you need conflict and those awkward situations in order to illustrate all that you feel with a paint brush or a pen. No one writes love song when they are in love. They write them because they did something wrong to someone that they love. No one did anything prophetic when they were happy. No one did anything gut wrenchingly true when they were content.
I want to fall in love with an ideal and fight for that something I can't define.
Romantic? Maybe.
Foolish? Probably.
Cliche? Most likely.
I'm just saying it how it is. Calling a spade, a spade. A heart, a heart.
I want to fall in love with that person that will plug me in and light up all that potential everyone always tell's me I'm waisting. Someone that will give me the truth. Some one that will light up my craft. Teach me that language of longing. Fuck me when I'm down, drunk and rambling about how this world can't possibly turn itself around. Someone to do it on a lonely stretch of beach where anyone could come walking along. Some one who would do it just to show me that I can still feel and that there are still things worth writing for. I want someone with a fire inside, someone strong to love me more for my faults then for my features. For my quirks not for my perfections. I want someone to scream at the moon with high and without reservation. Someone that won't make me small and subserviant. I always had a problem with that.
I want to be loved by someone fearless.
So I can be fearless too.

Light me up a fucking cigerette. All piss and vinegar. Never to be stopped.